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The instant you announce your engagement you’ll be serenaded with a little number called, “You Haff To” and it goes something like this (if you know it, sing along!):

“Oh, you HAFF TO be escorted down the aisle by your father/ Oh, you HAFF TO bear your drunken Auntie Tess/ Oh, you can’t defy tradition, though you’d rather/ You HAFF TO or you’ll have a wedding mess!!!....”
(then, on one knee, like John)

It’s an old sad song, really, usually sung by people who know only one type of a wedding: the kind they grew up with, or the one they were pummeled into having themselves. Here’s the scoop, kidlets: you
don’t HAFF TO do anything no matter what anyone says, so please take the Haff-To Zombies with a
grain of salt (admitting of course that you don’t haff to because I say so either, to be fair.)

But, after many years of working with couples beleaguered by Haff-To maniacs, I can say to you with
confidence: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO” In initial meetings I hear glum, sardonic-sounding to -be -weds tell me how they really don’t want to have such-and-such sort of wedding, but they’re going to anyway because the family (or incipient spouse or friends or whomever) demanded it.

The wedding that is insisted upon is usually the “traditional” Big White Wedding with all the trimmings, but the client confides that he/she would really rather have a civil ceremony with just a few close friends, or have a cocktail party wedding with little black dresses and smart-looking jackets, or fly to some exotic place... or...or...or. This sends the Haff-To Zombies into a frenzy!!! and they attack these crazy newfangled
notions of a wedding without considering that a) maybe the couple doesn’t want to have the same wedding the zombie did, and b) maybe the zombie’s wedding wasn’t so hot even though it followed all the zombie rules. These zombies are engaging in a bizarre reflex behavior, a self-delusion that they are From the Desk of SAMANTHA the guardians of “tradition” . Anyway, this thoughtless enforcement of a questionable wedding status quo is a testament to the effectiveness of peer pressure and family/social guilt. I do understand that family relationships are complex and yes, you may want to defer to the wishes of others under some circumstances, but even so remember, remember ,remember: you don’t haff to. There are three scenerios once the Haff-To Zombies start singing the Haff-To song and your internal guilt/peer pressure switches have been activated:

SCENERIO I : Be tough and have exactly the wedding you want, no matter what anyone says.
You have every right, as long as you’re paying for it (this gets a little more complicated if your parents are contributing to the budget.) It is true that, on a ritual level, weddings mark the dividing line between your life as a child where you are told what you have to do and your adult life, where you make the decisions about your own actions and take responsibility for them. Sometimes your wedding is the place where you introduce this idea and the boundary behavior (as shrinks call it) that make that changeover clear.

Sometimes purposefully drawing Hosted by this line is important, depending on how enmeshed you are with your family. Feelings may get hurt, but that may be a necessary price for your freedom from controlling persons. In my experience it is often true that controllers who choose to act hurt rather than being happy for you on your wedding day probably are not going to be made happy by ANYTHING you do, even if you completely give in to them. This is one of the trade secrets of controlling persons; acting as if nothing you do ever makes them completely happy. Don’t fall for it. It’s your wedding. You drive.

SCENERIO II: Compromise and incorporate some of the Haff-To suggestions.

As long as you’re dealing with reasonable requests and not total control freaks (whom, to reiterate, will not be satisfied no matter what you do) this is a feasible position to take. The questions to ask yourself are: how much ground do I give? Will incorporating this element make me cringe during my ceremony? Some problems can be solved creatively by thinking outside of the Haff-To Box (well, by understanding there isn’t a Haff-To Box, really.)

So for example, a bride can be escorted by anyone both parents, brothers, a phalanx of flower girls , the groom, or by no one at all. Yes, last I checked, women can walk down wedding aisles quite nicely all by themselves. There is no law that requires you be escorted!

SCENERIO III: Give in to guilt and peer pressure and have the wedding everyone is nagging you to have.

–You’ll hate it, you’ll regret it, you’ll resent all those people who talked you into it, and if/when you divorce
and remarry you’ll say (as many do, almost verbatim every time): “I want something intimate and  meaningful and more in keeping with my wishes this time, because last time I had that Big White Wedding and I don’t remember it, didn’t enjoy it, and clearly it didn’t guarantee a successful marriage.”

That’s from many horses’ mouths, people; it’s scary how often I hear it.

And a note to grooms here: I mostly hear this complaint from males who got dragged through a Big White Wedding that had no redeeming value for them. And you have my sympathy, but dudes (and I am wagging a knowing wedding finger at you in emphasis): you did it to yourselves. A wedding day is supposed to be important and meaningful for BOTH parties involved , it’s NOT all about her.

SPEAK UP. Indicate early on what your wedding preferences are and, if you’re being hauled by the collar button through a planning process that takes no notice of your wishes, state your objections strenuously. Refuse to go through with it if you have to. I mean, you know..... first try negotiating nicely and all, but this might not be fruitful. I’ve dealt with determined princess brides who have been beaten by the Big White Wedding bug and I know they are often not easily persuaded.

Anyway, you CAN have a great wedding experience, and you should! You’re entitled and allowed, but make your voice heard and your votes are counted. As we say in the wedding sector, your happy marriage starts with your wedding; don’t be a pawn during the ramp-up process or you can look forward to a lifetime of continued pawniness. You can start small if you like why not float a trial balloon on a little issue first? say, your choice of tie (or no tie at all, if you hate them.) Quelle scandale!! Zombies,attack!!!

If you opt for either Scenerion One or Two, the Haff-To Zombies will be on your six all the way. Don’t worry, just memorize this phrase: “We’re doing things a little bit differently.” Repeat the phrase until your zombies get tired of pestering you about their requirements. Don’t attempt to explain or rationalize your choices, because you’re dealing with tastes and those cannot be logically debated ( As the professor says ”De gustibus non est disputandum” you can try that phrase too because maybe Latin is very confusing to zombies. It means (“you cant dispute differences in taste” )

Ancient languages aside, your zombies will counter your Latin by insisting their mandates are “traditional” even when they have no clue about the origin of a purported “tradition” nor have any idea what it actually means. So stand firm politely, of course--and do your best not to argue or get railroaded into Scenerio Three. Just compromise on everything and have a wedding you will hate.

Play nicely and be brave;

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.

Dr. Catherine Masitsa